Polyamory, Quality or Quantity

A polyamory relationship is simply an intimate relationship with more than one person with all parties’ consent. One young lady, who strongly desires to be a part of this arrangement, argues that she wants to get to know more people in a deeper way; and, desires to love more people and experience more love in her life. On the surface, her argument is strong. Love is something EVERY human being NEEDS, not just something we yarn for. So, who wouldn’t want more love in their lives? However, the issue in this way of thinking is clearly a misunderstanding that quantity can replace quality.

I’m stating the obvious, as I partner with scientific studies, but people whose diets mainly consist of junk food tend to eat more, thus becoming overweight and unhealthy. The reason? These people are attempting to fill themselves to satisfaction. Unfortunately, because they are only consuming things that have no nutrients or value to the body, it’s difficult to appease their appetite through nourishment. On the other hand, people who have a balanced meal of fruits or veggies with a protein and a starch, are satisfied more easily without the extra pounds, health problems and medical bills. Just because you have more of something, doesn’t mean you’re in a better position. If there is no value in the things you do have, you simple have an abundance of junk.

The biggest issue with those seeking polyamorous relationships is that they don’t understand quality. Is it better to have 5 old, busted, beat-up, unreliable, and downright ugly cars in your possession or 1 brand-new, ultra-sleek, car that has ZERO issues? Cars are cars, right? Wrong! Likewise, all “love” is not created equally either! We can all relate to the many levels of love just by evaluating those in our lives. You love everyone, but there are people you can share intimate secrets with and those you can’t. Some people are merely good for a laugh and a few drinks, while others can truly understand your deepest fears and concerns, and aren’t afraid to talk for hours about all things “non-superficial.” No one needs many “loves,” they just need one great one. And when you honestly find that kind of person, the last thing you’re thinking about is someone else. This is real love … the kind that’s not cheap or needs to be multiplied just so you can be fulfilled. The draw to polyamory is not actually in the number, but it’s about being fulfilled and feeling complete.

Finally, in addition to “getting to know” more about people, the young woman also mentioned that a traditional relationship has a sense of mastery to it: one person owns the other. Mastery can happen in any unhealthy situation. Cults are a great example of this. One leader can totally dominate and entire group of people. Mastery is not limited to one-on-one contact. In the end, it’s your choice to indulge in unhealthy relationships or not. You create this reality. “Getting to know” more about people hardly requires sexual intercourse. As we’ve seen with online interactions, you can “get to know” a person from a far. Again, the polyamory defense is just a way of excusing something that doesn’t make much sense. There’s no true accountability, or commitment, because one person is able to have their hand in many pots — being one thing to this person and another thing to someone else, never fully giving yourself to either. It’s basically an act of fear when you’re too afraid to open up completely and fully trust another. Monogamous relationships can be wonderful, if you’re willing to do the work. If two people, who have God at the center, can put each other first; then, every need of each individual will be met. By definition, you will be totally fulfilled. Polyamorous relationships are for those who are not quite ready to take responsibility, preferring the substandard version of love.

Kirby N. McKinney

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